Running with Depression

As if exercise wasn't hard enough to do or fit into your 'busy' diary, you somehow have to find some inner strength to not only put on some workout clothes but to actually go out and work up a sweat. Quite frankly this has not happened for me.

Where is that inner strength? Where has the passion for fitness gone? ...it's simple, my dog ate it.

I have a black dog and its name is depression. It follows me everywhere and consumes every part of my life. Learning to live with a black dog is difficult. Learning to control your black dog is even harder. Things I used to like, love and enjoy are simply a long cardiac arrest of doing nothing. You just lay there. Motionless. Emotionless.

I keep waiting for the moment the light bulb will come on, the moment you get slapped in the face with reality, the moment you stick up two fingers at your black dog and say I'm going to do what I want.

....but it doesn't come.

My friends do their best with their researched 'things to say (and not) to someone who has depression' but at the end of the day, their lack of understanding my exact position is my ammunition to keep them at arms length.

But something has changed. A change that was bound to happen and a change that only I can change its course. My body has inevitably changed shape due to my lack of exercise. The point has come where I don't like how my body has become. I miss my athletic toning. I miss my physical strength. I miss my endurance. It's time to get it back. It's time to be in charge again.

I've signed up for a half marathon later in the year. In a few months actually. My friends are surprised. 'Why not a 5k or a 10k?' 'You don't make things easy on yourself'. I'm not surprised of their initial lack of support. They know how their 'fitness freak' friend has become the anti-workout one. The fact of the matter is this. I don't see a half marathon as a big deal. No matter what race I signed up for it would still require the same from me; commitment, desire, sticking to a schedule. I don't know if I'm going to run the whole 13.1 miles but I will complete it. The added bonus of this race. It's in a place where I have a great friend. A super added bonus is my great friend has an equally great other half I consider a friend too. So not only will I get to do a race, get another medal for my bedroom post, but also see two friends (of whom I don't see much of due to geography).

13.1 is my number and I'm gunning for it.

Great North Run

The Great North Run is one of the most high profile half marathons in the UK. I was delighted to receive an invite from Mind charity. This charity does amazing work and is a charity close to my heart. It didn't take me too long to accept the offer.

It is nine weeks today that I shall be heading up north and joining in with thousands of other runners doing what we love; running.

Races are incredible. You get encouragement from strangers. You raise money for charity. And of course you get a medal!

Belief makes things real. Getting round 13.1 miles is surreal. I, for one, am excited to get another race under my belt.

Newcastle I'm coming for you...

London Marathon 2012

A few months back that magical time of year had arrived once again and I was  on the start line for London Marathon 2012. There is something monumentally different about starting a run from your house and starting a race in the glorious capital and one of the world leading routes. The thought of it still gives me goose bumps, still excites me and makes me smile.

Each April thousands of runners and supporters head to London to either run, walk, scream, chant and support each other. It’s a day you never forget. It’s a day when memories are made. It’s a day that  for us runners we have been training months for. No more winter runs. One early alarm. One pair of trainers. One running number. One own self will to get round that route.

This was my second marathon and my most proudest run to date. Past year I’ve battled depression in its ugliest form. I didn’t think I would make it to the start line. Didn’t think I’d complete any sort of training. Didn’t think I had it in me to complete 26.2 miles. Of course the stubborn part of me and the part that doesn’t want to admit to others that I wont do it crossed my mind and thus didn’t tell others how i really felt. I’m a testament to those in similar situations that no matter what you’re going through, you can still achieve something. Can still make yourself proud. Can still prove those negative thoughts wrong.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard. There were days, weeks where I didn’t run. The one aspect of my training that didn’t falter; my friends constantly checking on me and asking for updates. The longest I had run was 10miles. Longest I had covered was 13.1miles (Silverstone half). That sunny day in April was to be the longest run/walk I was to complete. You can do all the training in the world and still have a bad race. I didn’t do much training but I had a great race. I was sensible and broke up the miles. Run for 5miles and walk for 2miles. That later got amended and dragged out longer.

Highlight of the run was meeting Denise Lewis, chatting to her (with a camera and mic in my face) and having a photo with her. After that wonderful chance meeting (albeit I did scour for her on the bridge), I twisted my ankle and later found it to be swollen and bruised. I was aware of the twist but I kept on going. I kept on moving. I kept heading for that finish. I wasn’t going to let myself down and stop. There are always going to be obstacles in the way of completing/achieving things in life. If we cant jump over them, we find a way to go round them. Often so many people look at the closed door that they fail to see the open window. My closed door was that I was not able to run anymore. But my window was I could still power walk. I was surprised by my dad and youngest sister on mile 26 and boy did that bring a smile to my face.

Crossing that finish is a memory etched forever in my soul. Everything over the past winter months had accumulated in that one moment. Underneath the Timex clock. Standing on the red carpet. Posing for the cameras. History. Achievement. Courage. Strength.

That was me in the finish photo. That was all me that completed 26.2 miles. That was me that pulled off the unthinkable, the unimaginable. Me.

No one can take this away from me. Not even my own demons. My medal serves as a constant reminder that we all that warrior in us. We all have that will power and determination in us. We all can achieve what we set out to. In the process we learn more about ourselves, lets others in and learn that things do work out ok.

Some photos of mine from the day. 

Man Eater !!

Here is an exercise routine if you feel adventurous :-)

20 chin ups
30 sit ups
40 push ups
50 squats

5 sets.
1 minute rest between sets.
No rest between reps.

For the animal in you :-)

Photo: my cat. all rights retained

Silver Race

Ready, set.... go !!! Amongst thousands of runners, back in March we ran our socks off round Silverstone race circuit in what for many of us was our preparation for London marathon.

This race is iconic to me. From a little girl spending my Sunday afternoon's with my dad watching Formula 1, the British race has always stood out to me. It's home. Plenty of legends have been here. I'm running where millions of people watch this circuit in their own front rooms. This race wasn't much of a pre race for London marathon. It was a chance to be part of history. To look at the incredible new stand. It was purely breath taking.

I approached this race with not much training. I didn't bank as many miles as I wished but still got to double figures before reaching the start line. My goal here wasn't to run myself ragged and pursue a fast time. It was merely to get round, to soak up the atmosphere and most importantly, to have fun. And to get to the start line of the London marathon in one piece!

This race was important to me. Forget the history, forget next month it was London next and double the distance. This was the first race (of great distance) that my little sisters had come to support me. I will never this day. They caught me by surprise on the home straight and said, 'Kim we have been waiting for over an hour!' I apologised whilst trying to hold as much composure as I could. My sisters' were not finished. 'Kim, we saw fat people finish before you, you're faster than them yet they beat you.' Kids really do say the funniest things! They learnt a valuable lesson this day. Runners who take part in races are not always slim, fast aka what you see on tv. Participants of races are of all running abilities, of all shapes and sizes. The main thing, we are all in it to enjoy ourselves, to encourage the stranger beside you to keep going, to take those steps that you can achieve something if you really want it hard enough.

This race is highly recommended. Great track, highly organised, amazing support and the weather was a nice bonus!

Here are some more photo from the day.

Men's Health Survival of the Fittest

A few months ago I decided to take the plunge and enter a rae predominately done by men. Afterall the sponsor of the race is Men's Health. The ratio of men to women who take part in this race is 70:30. This race is set in several cities, some crazy folk even do all races, me however just entered the one location, London. The backdrop was amazing, Battersea Power Station. I arrive midday and already witness competitors leaving head to toe in mud and wet. I'm thinking should I turn back and head back home. I continue my journey and before I register in, I can see the race and set about watching my fellow competitors finish what turns out to be a gruelling race. The race in distance is only 10K. Yes I'm aware that even this distance to some is massive, but to me having run longer I know this is achievable. The thing that sets this race different from other 10K's is simple, a series of obstacles that I simple lost count of how many. I reckon there were at least 30 in total. I got muddy, wet head to toe, legs covered in cuts and bruises. Oh and I also sprained a tendon in my hand. Managed that feat at obstacle two.

I entered this race without doing any training. Battling through some mental demons meant my fitness mojo was MIA. I didn't let this deter me from going to London and completing this race. I guess the temptation of adding another medal to my collection was too much for my inner soul to take. This was to date my hardest race. Most races are not so much physically demanding as they are mentally. I wasn't that fussed that my body had not trained for this event. I was naive in my thinking that I hold a good level of fitness bar doing nothing. It was the mental side that was different that set this race apart. From waking up, crossing the start line, going over the obstacles, having my fellow competitors giving my encouragement and helping me over the taller obstacles and finally crossing that finish line, I felt nothing. I felt no joy, no happiness, no sense of achievement. Why? My state of mind would not allow it. It was huge that I even made it to the race. The only people who stop us from achieving greatness is ourselves. I've been battling some inner demons and even though there was a part of me that didn't want to do this race, I dragged myself there. My work colleague didn't show (who was also suppose to be doing the race) but I didn't let that stop me from getting to that start line.

A week after the race I received an email informing me that photos were now available from race day. As I typed in my race number I was nervous about what I was going to see. I saw a couple of photos and I looked at the only decent one of me (see below) for quite a while. I didn't recognise the person I was staring at. The person in the photo look happy, looks like they are having fun, enjoying themselves. And suddenly, I found myself overcome with proud. This was a really hard race, add to that I didn't train, add to that my mental state was at a crumbly low, heck I am damn proud that I finished that race. It may of been a week late, but true to form, but late then never.

London Marathon 2012

So the ballot results were announced recently. People were opening magazines with either congratulations or commiserations. I decided a few months back to enter again for a second year in a row and found myself very surprised, I got a place! After all I have read and heard, I’ve yet to hear of a similar story. First two attempts of entering the ballot, I’ve secured a place in one of the best marathons in the world once again. This was unbelievable and an incredible achievement already. I'm two for two.

Armed with my first experience, I believe I will be more equipped to achieve better results in 2012. My first goal however is to remain 100% fit. This wasn’t the case last year. With four weeks to go I injured my hamstring and knew I wouldn’t be able to run the whole course. Despite this, every mile was completed and my London 2011 medal proudly hangs off my bed post.

Running the London marathon was a childhood dream come true. Needless to say I got emotional crossing that finish line. Now I have the opportunity to run around London again and I’m very excited at this prospect. To race around London the same year that the summer Olympics are being held sends shivers down my spine. This is going to be one great race. Hope to see you there!