Running with Depression

As if exercise wasn't hard enough to do or fit into your 'busy' diary, you somehow have to find some inner strength to not only put on some workout clothes but to actually go out and work up a sweat. Quite frankly this has not happened for me.

Where is that inner strength? Where has the passion for fitness gone? ...it's simple, my dog ate it.

I have a black dog and its name is depression. It follows me everywhere and consumes every part of my life. Learning to live with a black dog is difficult. Learning to control your black dog is even harder. Things I used to like, love and enjoy are simply a long cardiac arrest of doing nothing. You just lay there. Motionless. Emotionless.

I keep waiting for the moment the light bulb will come on, the moment you get slapped in the face with reality, the moment you stick up two fingers at your black dog and say I'm going to do what I want.

....but it doesn't come.

My friends do their best with their researched 'things to say (and not) to someone who has depression' but at the end of the day, their lack of understanding my exact position is my ammunition to keep them at arms length.

But something has changed. A change that was bound to happen and a change that only I can change its course. My body has inevitably changed shape due to my lack of exercise. The point has come where I don't like how my body has become. I miss my athletic toning. I miss my physical strength. I miss my endurance. It's time to get it back. It's time to be in charge again.

I've signed up for a half marathon later in the year. In a few months actually. My friends are surprised. 'Why not a 5k or a 10k?' 'You don't make things easy on yourself'. I'm not surprised of their initial lack of support. They know how their 'fitness freak' friend has become the anti-workout one. The fact of the matter is this. I don't see a half marathon as a big deal. No matter what race I signed up for it would still require the same from me; commitment, desire, sticking to a schedule. I don't know if I'm going to run the whole 13.1 miles but I will complete it. The added bonus of this race. It's in a place where I have a great friend. A super added bonus is my great friend has an equally great other half I consider a friend too. So not only will I get to do a race, get another medal for my bedroom post, but also see two friends (of whom I don't see much of due to geography).

13.1 is my number and I'm gunning for it.

London Marathon 2012

A few months back that magical time of year had arrived once again and I was  on the start line for London Marathon 2012. There is something monumentally different about starting a run from your house and starting a race in the glorious capital and one of the world leading routes. The thought of it still gives me goose bumps, still excites me and makes me smile.

Each April thousands of runners and supporters head to London to either run, walk, scream, chant and support each other. It’s a day you never forget. It’s a day when memories are made. It’s a day that  for us runners we have been training months for. No more winter runs. One early alarm. One pair of trainers. One running number. One own self will to get round that route.

This was my second marathon and my most proudest run to date. Past year I’ve battled depression in its ugliest form. I didn’t think I would make it to the start line. Didn’t think I’d complete any sort of training. Didn’t think I had it in me to complete 26.2 miles. Of course the stubborn part of me and the part that doesn’t want to admit to others that I wont do it crossed my mind and thus didn’t tell others how i really felt. I’m a testament to those in similar situations that no matter what you’re going through, you can still achieve something. Can still make yourself proud. Can still prove those negative thoughts wrong.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard. There were days, weeks where I didn’t run. The one aspect of my training that didn’t falter; my friends constantly checking on me and asking for updates. The longest I had run was 10miles. Longest I had covered was 13.1miles (Silverstone half). That sunny day in April was to be the longest run/walk I was to complete. You can do all the training in the world and still have a bad race. I didn’t do much training but I had a great race. I was sensible and broke up the miles. Run for 5miles and walk for 2miles. That later got amended and dragged out longer.

Highlight of the run was meeting Denise Lewis, chatting to her (with a camera and mic in my face) and having a photo with her. After that wonderful chance meeting (albeit I did scour for her on the bridge), I twisted my ankle and later found it to be swollen and bruised. I was aware of the twist but I kept on going. I kept on moving. I kept heading for that finish. I wasn’t going to let myself down and stop. There are always going to be obstacles in the way of completing/achieving things in life. If we cant jump over them, we find a way to go round them. Often so many people look at the closed door that they fail to see the open window. My closed door was that I was not able to run anymore. But my window was I could still power walk. I was surprised by my dad and youngest sister on mile 26 and boy did that bring a smile to my face.

Crossing that finish is a memory etched forever in my soul. Everything over the past winter months had accumulated in that one moment. Underneath the Timex clock. Standing on the red carpet. Posing for the cameras. History. Achievement. Courage. Strength.

That was me in the finish photo. That was all me that completed 26.2 miles. That was me that pulled off the unthinkable, the unimaginable. Me.

No one can take this away from me. Not even my own demons. My medal serves as a constant reminder that we all that warrior in us. We all have that will power and determination in us. We all can achieve what we set out to. In the process we learn more about ourselves, lets others in and learn that things do work out ok.

Some photos of mine from the day. 

Man Eater !!

Here is an exercise routine if you feel adventurous :-)

20 chin ups
30 sit ups
40 push ups
50 squats

5 sets.
1 minute rest between sets.
No rest between reps.

For the animal in you :-)

Photo: my cat. all rights retained

Silver Race

Ready, set.... go !!! Amongst thousands of runners, back in March we ran our socks off round Silverstone race circuit in what for many of us was our preparation for London marathon.

This race is iconic to me. From a little girl spending my Sunday afternoon's with my dad watching Formula 1, the British race has always stood out to me. It's home. Plenty of legends have been here. I'm running where millions of people watch this circuit in their own front rooms. This race wasn't much of a pre race for London marathon. It was a chance to be part of history. To look at the incredible new stand. It was purely breath taking.

I approached this race with not much training. I didn't bank as many miles as I wished but still got to double figures before reaching the start line. My goal here wasn't to run myself ragged and pursue a fast time. It was merely to get round, to soak up the atmosphere and most importantly, to have fun. And to get to the start line of the London marathon in one piece!

This race was important to me. Forget the history, forget next month it was London next and double the distance. This was the first race (of great distance) that my little sisters had come to support me. I will never this day. They caught me by surprise on the home straight and said, 'Kim we have been waiting for over an hour!' I apologised whilst trying to hold as much composure as I could. My sisters' were not finished. 'Kim, we saw fat people finish before you, you're faster than them yet they beat you.' Kids really do say the funniest things! They learnt a valuable lesson this day. Runners who take part in races are not always slim, fast aka what you see on tv. Participants of races are of all running abilities, of all shapes and sizes. The main thing, we are all in it to enjoy ourselves, to encourage the stranger beside you to keep going, to take those steps that you can achieve something if you really want it hard enough.

This race is highly recommended. Great track, highly organised, amazing support and the weather was a nice bonus!

Here are some more photo from the day.

Men's Health Survival of the Fittest

A few months ago I decided to take the plunge and enter a rae predominately done by men. Afterall the sponsor of the race is Men's Health. The ratio of men to women who take part in this race is 70:30. This race is set in several cities, some crazy folk even do all races, me however just entered the one location, London. The backdrop was amazing, Battersea Power Station. I arrive midday and already witness competitors leaving head to toe in mud and wet. I'm thinking should I turn back and head back home. I continue my journey and before I register in, I can see the race and set about watching my fellow competitors finish what turns out to be a gruelling race. The race in distance is only 10K. Yes I'm aware that even this distance to some is massive, but to me having run longer I know this is achievable. The thing that sets this race different from other 10K's is simple, a series of obstacles that I simple lost count of how many. I reckon there were at least 30 in total. I got muddy, wet head to toe, legs covered in cuts and bruises. Oh and I also sprained a tendon in my hand. Managed that feat at obstacle two.

I entered this race without doing any training. Battling through some mental demons meant my fitness mojo was MIA. I didn't let this deter me from going to London and completing this race. I guess the temptation of adding another medal to my collection was too much for my inner soul to take. This was to date my hardest race. Most races are not so much physically demanding as they are mentally. I wasn't that fussed that my body had not trained for this event. I was naive in my thinking that I hold a good level of fitness bar doing nothing. It was the mental side that was different that set this race apart. From waking up, crossing the start line, going over the obstacles, having my fellow competitors giving my encouragement and helping me over the taller obstacles and finally crossing that finish line, I felt nothing. I felt no joy, no happiness, no sense of achievement. Why? My state of mind would not allow it. It was huge that I even made it to the race. The only people who stop us from achieving greatness is ourselves. I've been battling some inner demons and even though there was a part of me that didn't want to do this race, I dragged myself there. My work colleague didn't show (who was also suppose to be doing the race) but I didn't let that stop me from getting to that start line.

A week after the race I received an email informing me that photos were now available from race day. As I typed in my race number I was nervous about what I was going to see. I saw a couple of photos and I looked at the only decent one of me (see below) for quite a while. I didn't recognise the person I was staring at. The person in the photo look happy, looks like they are having fun, enjoying themselves. And suddenly, I found myself overcome with proud. This was a really hard race, add to that I didn't train, add to that my mental state was at a crumbly low, heck I am damn proud that I finished that race. It may of been a week late, but true to form, but late then never.

London Marathon 2012

So the ballot results were announced recently. People were opening magazines with either congratulations or commiserations. I decided a few months back to enter again for a second year in a row and found myself very surprised, I got a place! After all I have read and heard, I’ve yet to hear of a similar story. First two attempts of entering the ballot, I’ve secured a place in one of the best marathons in the world once again. This was unbelievable and an incredible achievement already. I'm two for two.

Armed with my first experience, I believe I will be more equipped to achieve better results in 2012. My first goal however is to remain 100% fit. This wasn’t the case last year. With four weeks to go I injured my hamstring and knew I wouldn’t be able to run the whole course. Despite this, every mile was completed and my London 2011 medal proudly hangs off my bed post.

Running the London marathon was a childhood dream come true. Needless to say I got emotional crossing that finish line. Now I have the opportunity to run around London again and I’m very excited at this prospect. To race around London the same year that the summer Olympics are being held sends shivers down my spine. This is going to be one great race. Hope to see you there!

Royal Park Half Marathon

The time quickly came for me to undergo a run through a few parks and down the what seemed never ending Embankment. Yes I’m referring to the Royal Park half marathon.

This was my first attempt at the distance even though I completed a full marathon earlier this year. This race was very well organised and the support was fantastic. I highly recommend this race to anyone. And I truly mean anyone. I saw so many competitors from all types of backgrounds, shapes, sizes and abilities. Best of all it didn’t rain and the sun truly shined at the very end. It made laying down post race much enjoyable despite the throbbing of complete body ache.

Runners were supportive of each other, crowds gave endless encouragement, wonderful sights (all the arches, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square and the glorious royal parks). Oh and how could a girl forget... hot buff army men encouraging you to warm down after the race!

Overall I’d say go pick a half marathon that is near you and sign up. They are highly achievable, great fun and you get a medal to show off your hard work!

Posture

Posture affects all of us. From the small things like sitting in a chair to standing at the bus stop.

The essence of this blog entry is to stress the importance of strengthening our cores. If you’re one of those people who work out and don’t know what I’m referring to, shame on you! To others who don’t work out or even those who do the odd exercise every now and again, this is a fundamental part of your health.

Training your core isn’t mind boggling, you don’t have to use equipment or attend a Pilates class. The core is mostly referred to as our abs and lower back muscles but as a whole it encompasses lower and upper body. When worked together they help to stabilise and support the spine. For anyone serious about their fitness/performance or just wanting to live healthy, building a strong core will get you there.

Our backs are fundamental to everything we do. Think how many times you slouch on a chair at work, how you sit on the sofa, over time these bad habits creep up on us and we end up at the doctors or whinging to our friends about back pain. Building strong back muscles will help reduce lower back pain and prevent any further damage.

Our core helps us stand upright, improve our balance and increase strength to our workouts. I recently attended a gig and was standing up the whole time with a bag on my back. Half way in I was reminded (by my back) that I wasn’t standing properly. I promptly took my bag off, rolled my shoulders back and stood strong. Being 26 years old and having back pain ages me too quickly! The same applies to the rest of us. A weak core means that other muscles will pick up the slack created and imbalance can occur. This in turn will most certainly mean injuries. *sighs* no injuries I hear you cry. It’s time to pay attention to our cores and getting them strong.

Trust

Trust is inevitable in fitness. A lesson I have only just discovered.

Whilst I am still undergoing physio for my knee, I have had a change of physiotherapist. This has unsettled me more than I would like. My physio before, Zoe, was nice, funny, she gave me great advice, put me through my paces and the most important part was I trusted her. But her placement finished and so the need for someone else to take over. Now I have Louise who appears nice but her advice somewhat contridicted what Zoe had told me and I feel at a loss. Have I just taken a few steps back? How can two physiotherapists have a different opinion treating the same injury?

I left my physio session feeling very unhappy. I didn't feel as though I had been worked over with the new physio. The fact of the matter is, I don't trust Louise yet. I'm sure we'll build a rapore and the trust will come but at the moment it's not there. Plus with three weeks to go till I next her, the trust isn't going to come as quick as first time round with Zoe.

We place trust in ourselves to recognise when something is wrong. We trust that the physio will do what is best for us to get us where we need to be. We trust that when we push our bodies we won't injure ourselves. We trust that our bodies will do what we're training it to do. That last part isn't specific to fitness. We trust our bodies to fight off viruses. We trust our bodies to expel the fatty foods we have consumed and so on. If along the way that trust has decreased then sound the alarm cause this needs fixing.

I need to have faith that this new physio knows what she is banging on about. With that faith, trust will soon follow. Or so I'm hoping. I have a photo of myself from last year that constantly reminds me how my body was in tip top shape. My aim is to surpass that. Injuries can be frustrating and demoralising. I'm in a slump at the moment with physio and not being able to do what I would like with my body. The fact remains, if I don't trust the exercises that my new physio has given me I can't move forward. This is a fate that is much worse.

13.1 miles isn't too far.... is it?

Ok so in less than 6 weeks I shall be panting, sweating and dragging my sorry arse at any means possible to run through the Royal Gardens in London, running a grand total of 13.1 miles. Yes this is the Royal Park Half Marathon.

This is going to be my first race since the London marathon last April. What have I done in between?

Well after taking 6 weeks out after the marathon to lick my wounds, I returned to some gentle exercise then I went on holiday and dum dum duuuum I returned injured. But putting pieces together I evaluated my situation. I injured my hamstring 4 weeks before London marathon, I ran half of the marathon before the hamstring kicked in and wouldn't let me run anymore and so walked the rest, then trekking down the 3 miles in Yosemite National Park with a dodgey hammy, add that to uneven surface and I'm surprised all I damaged was my patella tendon.

So seeing as I've got off lightly, after resting, icing, ibuprofen, it was time to get some physio as 3 weeks passed and progress was slow. So I'm currently in physio and progress is coming along great. However RPHM isn't going to wait for me to be fully fit. But I will be on that start line, raving to go to complete the 13.1 miles. I know in my heart of hearts that I won't be able to run the full amount. I know I am capable of completing that distance at a running pace, but with my condition I'm going to follow my instinct to do a run/walk combo.

The best piece of advice that applies to everyone doing fitness (and in life too) is to follow your instinct. If you think your pain threshold is about to crash through, stop. If you feel light headed whilst running and you don't have the fluids to keep you going, stop. We all have these mental battles but the one voice we have to listen to is our inner voice. Stemming from our gut instinct. It will save you from further injury.

I'm back in the gym and my cardio is fast increasing but I've yet to get back out on the road and run. This will be more hard as my body has not been subjected to the impact. I will attempt to brave the field across my home as my first run. Running on a softer ground, like grass, will ease the impact on your body. This is perfect for those who don't like road running or those like myself coming back from an injury.

So the countdown is on. London, get ready.

London Marathon 2011

Last month I took part in my first marathon. I grew up in London and it has always been a childhood dream of mine to run this marathon, so imagine my ecstasy when I opened up my acceptance letter! As anyone knows who applies, results of the ballot come out in October after the registration from a few months earlier (April). I had completely forgot that the result was due out as I was recovering from a broken foot. Breaking my foot had meant that I had to build up my calf muscle again and gain flexibility back into my foot. Having one leg look smaller than the other one was tough to stare at each day. But now having the marathon to focus on, all systems were go to get me to that start line !!

Broken foot getting a new cast put on:

Getting into the marathon was the catalyst to stop feeling sorry for myself and finally get back into shape. Christmas came and I had a general good level of fitness but no where near my best. Then New Years Eve came and I was struck down by flu!! Everything I had worked from October through to the end of December had been wiped out. This was a huge blow. It took 3 weeks to recover from flu. I can honestly say having flu is the most horrendous illness I have been through. So I had to build up my fitness yet again towards the end of January. I knew cardio is easier to get back than strength so that gave me some hope.

One of my many running magazines were gearing up to the marathon too so I had plenty of training programmes to choose from. After carefully picking one that was right for me, I set about with my training. It did not occur to me how training for a marathon takes over your life. I didn't socialise with friends as much as I normally did or wanted, I detoxed from everything fatty (not that I eat lots of junk food anyway). I gave up caffeine as it strips the blood of iron, a really important vitamin for running. I gave up alcohol too. My body was to be pure all throughout the training.

Training went well. Who knew there are so many early bird runners?! and late ones too. Most of my runs were done in the evenings and my longest runs on Sundays. One thing always occurred to me during my runs. The majority of runners wouldn't smile back at me. I find this strangely bizarre as we'll all in the same boat but I guess that is just the British culture. Four weeks before the big day and two weeks before tapering, I went too hard in a training session and buggered my hamstring. I undertook several sports massages to get the muscle as much repaired as possible but knew I wouldn't be fully fit when it came to the big day. Carb loading was deffo fun at first, then it got sickly !! But needs were a must !!

The marathon itself was beyond my expectations and indescribable. I got emotional shuffling up to the start line. Then once again when I reached the Embankment and at Big Ben. I knew I was on the verge on achieving a dream. Something that I never thought was possible. My body was in a different world to my mind yet still connected through the pain. My recent hamstring injury had flared up at the halfway point and in a flash my body stopped running and I was now limping very badly. I knew my leg was hurting but training my mind to push through pain had meant I didn't stop when I felt something. I was determined to continue, there was no way I was pulling to one side and quitting. Crossing that finish line and then being processed by the amazing staff were parts that I won't forget. The medal weighed heavier than I thought but equally as nice !! The time wasn't what I wanted due to my injury but upon reflection, I really didn't care. I did it !!

After the race, I have never felt more proud to be a Londoner. I know London can be a scary place for some people but on race day, so many people turned out. One thing I would recommend to any runner doing this or other marathons, get your name printed on your top. Having strangers shout out your name and encouragement really does keep you going. The crowds cheered for everyone, one guy even offered me a pint!! I kindly declined.

A great day !!